Ok, so today I've been feeling ok for most of the day and had loads of fun with my sister but then the evening fell, she went home and the bleh hit.
The world has a different quality to it when I feel like this, it goes from being scary to completely devoid of any hope, death and destruction seem like an inevitability and anything other than waiting for this to occur seems like pure folly!
When I say the world has a different quality I mean a very real and tangible difference, it's like the colour has changed, or the warmth has gone from the room, it's very odd because I don't know how to describe it but I must not be alone in this experience. The only thing anywhere near close is my migraine aura.
When I say that I am down, that I feel bleh, it's not that I feel upset, the other day I had the demons of times past trying to bite at my emotions while I tried to sleep in vain, this isn't like that, I'm not upset, there's literally nothing wrong.
Except that EVERYTHING is wrong, and everything is dark, and hard and sharp and has corners and is like biting tinfoil, and the world is entirely devoid of hope to the point where there is NO point fighting it.
Only experience tells me that it's not, that my mind is playing tricks on me, that I will be better tomorrow, when the sun rises, so will my disposition etc. etc. but just now, tonight, there is absolutely 100% no point to anything ever, I will ALWAYS end up on my own, without anything or anyone, because that's how it's meant to be, everything else in life is a distraction from the cold, hard, reality of life.
And I don't need hugs, and I don't need chocolate, I just need it to stop.
I said I wouldn't analyse myself when I'm like this, I'm not, I'm just chronicling how it feels to be it.
I just want everything to stop, I don't want to feel warm and safe even, because in my heart I know it's a lie.
I'm such a joy to be around, aren't I?